Drainer people

If I have to identify the biggest cause of family unhappiness, I’d say it’s the set of expectations we have about family members.

In most cases, each one of us has had twenty to thirty years to formulate our beliefs as to what families  should be like, and we think we know what to expect when we finally start to make our own families.

Whether we want to emulate the relationship we saw in our own family or completely avoid interaction with it , we have definite ideas about how a family should be.

Interacting with one’s own family can  often be difficult. And when you get a bunch of in-laws  with their in-laws as well, you’ve got trouble. 

Sometimes, we have what I call drainer people in our lives. And that could come in the form of a family member say ..our brother’s dearest wife, or it could be our boss, or a co-worker , it could even be the very people in our spiritual community.

They drain us with much energy and leave us feeling washed out. They ca n be controlling or rigid and  domineering . Drainer people are swamped with pain and problems that they’re absolutely miserable individuals.

They are  people who had been hurt so deeply and are carrying around such enormous loads of pain and complaints they’re looking for someone to blame- and we ‘re a handy target.

Their negativity and pessimism is a strong force that can suck us  dry.

At some point, in cases like that, retreat.

I have a recent experience with a drainer. I feel victimized . When we feel this way we want to escape from it.  That’s an innate protective habit. Run. Avoid. Shut Out.

Sometimes we feel there is just no hope mending broken fences.

We may try to be nice, considerate, open, pleasing, thoughtful and every other positive trait you c an conjure  up. You try to communicate respectfully, pull out your best listening skills. You invite them for dinner.

You get only hostility in return.

 Eventually you stop trying. It could be lovely  if we didn’t  have to endure this strained stage. Some of us can be lucky but the majority of us seem to experience it for some period of time, perhaps  like an initiation.

It helps to know that this strain is common; we’re not the only ones enduring it. Most of us get over it.

But sometimes, we just have to let go of drainer people in our lives.


Retreating is not the same as rejecting. It isn’t punishing with hostile coolness.

It’s simply giving the other party or parties the space they seem to want , not imposing our company on them and yet,  being as cordial  as we would be toward any acquaintance.

Each of us get to decide what we will do in any circumstance.

Letting go of a drainer can really help us refocus, rebuild and reshape our own belief about  who we are.

It can give us the freedom to highly appreciate what we are capable of and what we can become.

Next time you meet a drainer in your life. Analyse  and Decide.

We have a responsibility to live our own lives as well as we can, there’s no need to try to live each other’s as well-  let them handle their own.


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