LONELY REALITY OF BEING ALONE

I’ve shaken up by a major life change three times.

Becoming a mother, getting married and moving to a new country.

These big milestones challenged my long-held belief about who I am.

The thing about having a baby, getting married and moving to a new country is that;  it’s not like putting a new chandelier in the dining room.

It is a big change and it changes everything.

It is scary to look at my life and realized that it bears almost no resemblance to my former existence.

When I left the Philippines five years ago, I have no idea that forming new friendships  can feel daunting.

I am a normally outgoing, fun-loving , friendly creature who never had problems in the past making friends and or having friends.

Five years passed by and here I am – still no close friends.

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While I have a tight-knit group of pals back in the Philippines, I have yet to find any girlfriends in my new town.

“I missed that female connection”, just being with my husband and my son doesn’t make me feel 100 percent  complete.

When I first came, the first thing I did was to meet up with my ethnic community for friendship, though my social calendar filled up quick with invites for lunch and coffee, it wasn’t  until last year that I realized  I needed more meaningful relationships, friends I could count on in an emergency.

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I remembered I was washing dishes and I cut my hand-deeply-on a glass. I had no idea where the nearest ER, or how I would get there, my husband was away for a trip. And I did’nt feel like I knew anyone well enough to ask for help.

I manage to administer first aid treatment once my total composure came back, knowing that my young son was around to witness it, I tried calmly as I can to display an attitude of  ” mommy will be alright”.

Then came a series of half-hearted incidents like my son knocking off his bike and diving mouth first.

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Then getting stuck in the ditch on a slippery winter road on the way to drop my son to school ( those few years  back when I was too naive not to have a CAA membership for roadside assistance and other car problems) 

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The one time my husband was away again that particular time, no one offered help in my neighbors, I didn’t have anyone to asked help for, broken fences in the pasture needed fixed, my son and I helped each other drag the big horses along while we walk them back inside the property one hand with several carrots and the other hand motioning where to go.

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That particular night we were able to put them back inside but hurt my hand so badly, I fractured my middle finger when one of the horses got wild and suddenly kicked, a crisp of fear shivered through me, a realization that in a twinkling of an eye…I or my son could be seriously injured.

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Then last Tuesday again, they broke the same fence, it happened when we were about to feed them nightime oats, but this time it wasn’t bad but still I brought the attention to my husband and told him, I guess “I am ready to have no horses”

My son adored the horses as much as my husband , they both seemed to have a particular liking and rapport with the horses, I didn’t . I was too scared of them.

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So, came the verdict yesterday ” no selling horses, fences will become either a barb wire or electric ones” after a careful thinking and asking my son and my husband, that we will have to sell the horses.

They won. I am fine . I came to love the horses too. In few weeks time, the old 15 years old fences will be replaced. My husband is arriving tonight, he does a lot of travelling across provinces lately.

Up until that point, everything had been a kind of vacation, still new and exciting…and then yet all of a sudden now, I realized…

“This was life.”

Between juggling work, marriage, kids, and everything else..for the first time in my life.” I felt , I was missing out on girls night and other female stuff”

Even though, I had found a few neighborhood pals, still I hadn’t found “the one” – a friend I truly feel at ease with and can confide in.

My other friends from work were all a bit older  and have older kids, I didn’t have many women my age to hang out with.

I want someone who could pop out on a Friday evening for a drink and just to talk about our daily lives or the latest episode of  ” American Idol” or the latest fashion trend.

I want someone with at least younger kids or same age  that my only son could play with and socially grow as a little human being.

I wanted my son to grow up socially rich in human exposures that would help shape his decisiveness in his future choices with a mate or a friend.

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I even enrolled him in a summer camp, in Mini-U  for two weeks for friendship and exposure opportunity for both of us.

For me, forging new adult friendships can feel as dreadful as dating. “It’s like I haven’t  felt the spark yet”.

At times, I have met someone who I think is cool, it feels awkward and pathetic to ask to meet up, like I am begging them to be my friend.

But, I hadn’t given up. After my son’s 8th birthday party recently, I decided to send out an email to the other moms who attended. ” I’m inviting them to a tasting party ( ethnic foods) just one replied back, “I’m still plugging away”.

I think it takes work to cultivate new friendships and it can feel  especially tough when I am juggling my career and my family and I no longer have the luxury of aimlessly hanging out with people for hours like I did when I was much younger back in my country.

But, I am willing to reach out. I knew I can find a new  partner in crime 😉

Desperately seeking : a new friend 😦

Insatiable Mind 🙂

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. badugiz
    Aug 15, 2009 @ 07:19:28

    it is difficult to find true friends, but it will not be difficult to befriend people just be extra cautious. and continue being yourself and you will find somebody who could be your friend in good times or in hard times. Never lock up yourself go out and find good people who could be friends for you and your family wherein you can we with on week ends or holidays..

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