Emergence Of A New Me

sitting on the bench with my son during the summer fair

sitting on the bench with my son during the summer fair

 

The Rebirth :

I am tormented everyday and in every way by the dilemma of my own situation continually torn between my sense of duty to God , my young son and my husband and my desire to find happiness I craves.

Yet in order to find happiness I must divorce; If I divorces I will inevitably lose the support I live for, at the same time I faces shame and rejection of my family and friends who are unaware of the lonely reality in my life and accept my smiling image at face value.

It is a cruelly circular argument with endless variations which I cannot regularly discuss with few friends I came to have.

I was raised with strong moral, ethical values since I was young and those values never left me and became a foothold for me for the rest of the difficult first year.

I came from a middle class family with good reputation and like-minded brilliant  professional individuals. We are 7 in the family, 3 brothers and 3 sisters, and all  seven of us went to the top school in my country and got a degree.

In the Philippines, you really have to be either intelligent to get a scholarship and study or your parents must have some money to get you to the top school. I would hesitantly brag that all 7 of us fall in both category.

We are a family of gifted individuals, all 7 turn out good and brilliant in any field each of us took. We are a proud family yet remain humble.

In the family I grew up, it is a close, loving relationship with lots of hug and kisses.

I was determined to forge  a new life, a new style of family, more in touch with the times and more like the one I grew up.

My personal style has always been informal, and for the first year I was unable to shed my natural sense of fun and spontaneity.

Following the difficult first year with no job on my specific field and chaotic personal relationship with my extended family, on the second year  I decided it is time to move on.

I started to look for ways to divert my attention to something worthwhile to make me forget about my daily struggles.

I began to find my own identity and boldly reinventing the art of being a modern family,informal style became my trademark setting me apart from  my extended family here.

Because my husband’s family  belonged to a particular religious denomination which have interestingly large followers  and yet everyone seem to know each other and they all came to know me, from a different race, religion and country…I became an instant “gossip” as I sense it .

I tried to get my hands to anything, I started to volunteer in my son’s school, I enrolled myself to learn defensive driving, and started to send my resume to prospective employers.

As the second year swiftly pass by, I no longer yearn for the respect and affection I had always been denied by those from whom I most needed it .

I was able to liberate myself at last from the long shadow of my husbands family and their coldly formal upbringing by imposing myself more when it comes to my son.

I became over-protective in the way that single parent families are, I lavishes my son with love, cuddles and affection.

He became a point of stability and sanity in my topsy-turvy world. I love him unconditionally and absolutely working with singleness of purpose to ensure that he don’t suffer the same kind of childhood he did.

I chose his schools, clothes,plans his outing.

After the second year, I started to work part time as an educational assistant , I tried to negotiate my career around his time-tables. In my diary signifies much the dates of his school plays, parent -teacher conferences, and other activities.

My son comes first and foremost in my life.

It was heart rending to see my son torn between me as his mother and then the rest of them that had become part of his extended family here.

Many days I am in deep nostalgia, that I had wished to turn back the time and wished I never move with my boy.

But, I was a headstrong,in the second and third years I tried to regain my old confident, exuberant self for the long haul.

I was ready to give up my personal happiness and be there for my son in helping him shape his future destiny in a strange land.

That’s when I realized for the first time in my life I felt apart from most of the people I knew.

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